“I’m on drugs,” Reagan said. “They’re a beautiful thing.”

Rowell, R. (2013). Fangirl. St. Martin’s Press.

So right now, I’m in Perth Children’s Hospital, treating my soul with Spongebob Squarepants and my infection with IV antibiotics and fluids. I also happen to be “higher than a kite on steroids” thanks to some very nice painkillers. I’m telling you this so you can excuse the writing in case it’s as absurd as Lorelai’s “monkey monkey underpants” fit. We are, as they say, rolling with the punches… plus Dad wanted to laugh at me while I try to articulate anything when my brains a big ball of fuzz and I may be drooling…

Try as we might to stay out of the hospital, practising all the prophylactics (not to be confused with condoms as my friend so blatantly points out) and being on a first-name basis with your General Practitioner, we always come back eventually. That’s when you gotta wrap your head around the dos and don’ts of hospital stays.

Hot tips for hacking the hospital handicap:

1.    BYO Biscuits

Let’s be honest here, hospital food always seems to have the exact opposite effect of treatment. Instead of an apple a day to keep the doctor away, you get wholemeal toast that resembles Chinese Fighting Muffins. In complete fairness, often the food is good but when you’re admitted the sight any food can make you want to vomit. Everyone has their comfort foods or sick foods, so this is where we introduce the BYO Biscuits law. Instead of trying to down something that is the definition of unappealing, take advantage of Uber Eats and the parentals. Order in your exact cravings because something is better than nothing, and always have the emergency biccies on hand. Keep in mind the ward’s rules and other patients, as well as your diet, unfortunately, you can’t always eat whatever. Also, kudos to the chefs, it’s a difficult job catering to so many and, well, sorry for trash-talking you.

2.    Sweater Weather

Grab your oversized sweatshirts and those trackie dacks you wouldn’t be caught wearing anywhere but the servo during crackhead hours. Hospitals in general are cold, but the wards are penguin habitats and suitable to freeze Captain America for about 70 years. Seriously it’s cold, ask for extra blankets and wear warm clothes. I’m under four blankets and wearing long pants and a jumper and still shivering. It is, however, important to note that I have an infection, and to fight infections often the body shivers, increasing the body’s temperature to essentially cook the infection. If you’re hardcore, I expect to see beanies, mittens, scarves, and uggies! For bonus points, if you have a significant other, steal the hoodies! See just cover all skin and you’re set for a trip to Antarctica… I mean the hospital…

3.    Dreadlock Holiday

You know when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up and your hair looks like it’s been attacked by a helium balloon? Well imagine that but ten times worse and bingo you’ve got yourself hospital hair. You are essentially in a bed for most of your stay, and just rolling around like a cat rolling about in catnip. Now, this can be great for finding your Sheldon spot, but it can mess with your hair to the extreme where you’ve unwillingly created dreadlocks. I once had hospital hair so bad the entirety of it below my shoulders was just a knot. When released we went straight to the salon for the full treatment… the usual shampoo and conditioning… and the cutting off of everything below my shoulders. To prevent dreadlock deadlock, I recommend you take haircare seriously. Pack all the necessities and brush and redo it on the daily for some “fully sick” hairstyles. And the avoidance of rat nests over blondie-locks.

4.    Daily Dettol

I’m going to be blunt, you’re in bed for days, you haven’t showered, YOU SMELL! It can be difficult to bathe yourself, especially when you’re all doped up, but you should always try to keep up your personal hygiene. The bathrooms have seats if you’re not strong enough to stand and parents and nurses can offer their help too. You need help sometimes and that’s perfectly okay, especially when it means you will smell less like Shrek. If a shower is too far a fantasy, I always go to the hospital with some baby wipes on hand, a quick and easy way to feel clean, using minimal energy. Always brusha brusha brusha, bad breath can kill, especially when it’s combined with dehydration (anyone else get bad breath when they’re dehydrated, just me? Yeah okay cool). Always wash your hands and use hand sanitiser as it’s a hospital, you’re germy, it’s germy, just a good idea to stay sanitised. Let your inner germaphobe run wild or move into the trash can like Oscar the Grouch.

5.    Boots & Backpack

Whether it’s an emergency or a referral, always go to the hospital prepared. Call out for Dora’s Backpack before you leave the house and ensure you have everything you predict you’ll need. My must-haves include a hairbrush, change of clothes – especially warm socks, charger, phone, laptop, book, toothbrush and toothpaste, deodorant and baby wipes. Now it’s not the end of the world if you forget this stuff but it sure does make it easier than relying on parents to go back and forth hunting and gathering. None of these things are completely necessary, they just make your stay easier, especially when you’re still unsure about whether it is a stay. There are also things that your ward can provide if you’ve forgotten it however it’s always better for your comfort if you pack things that will make you comfortable, i.e. the plush toy you’ve had since you were three but is more like rags and some string at this point. And don’t forget the essentials to prevent death by boredom!

Hospital stays can be scary, but they can be made better. Don’t forget the hospital hacks: BYO Biscuits, Sweater Weather, Dreadlock Holiday, Daily Dettol and Boots & Backpack… all of these things are designed to make you more comfortable. It’s also super important to become familiarised with your hospital, locate the fun floor (if there is one), the nice nurses and most importantly, the edible food. The hospital doesn’t have to be terrible. So long as there’s no pea underneath your mattress, you should survive yet another stay.

References:

10ccVEVO. (2016, 20 September). 10cc – Dreadlock Holiday (Official Video). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUNTk5xsxk4

Dora the Explorer. (2000, August 14). Retrieved from

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0235917/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

jdanddpt. (2015, 10 June). Gilmore Girls – monkey monkey underpants. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ula6EzP0cPY

jumbalare. (2008, 12 November). Grease – Jan sings the brush up song. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFAwSqK3SdQ

Movieclips. (2012, 12 September). Charlie’s Angels (1/8) Movie CLIP – Chinese Fighting Muffin (2000) HD. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvf–4i6NA0

Sesame Street. (1969, July 21). Retrieved from https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063951/

Shrek. (2001, May 18). Retrieved from https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126029/

SpongeBob SquarePants. (1999, April 30). Retrieved from https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206512/

Zarhejo. (2008, 7 October). The Big Bang Theory – Episode 1 (Pilot). Sheldon’s sitting spot. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2hIIvF5gJI